Loyal to Myself

It’s been a little over a year since I decided to stop teaching yoga in a classroom format. The process that took me there wasn't particularly easy as I had become accustomed to the labels and familiarity of my life’s routine.

But there was a voice inside of me that kept saying ‘ is this it’?

Since day one back 13 years ago I knew that being in the classroom practicing asana with people was way more than just that. For me it always felt like a spiritual experience, where I was only a vessel for spirit to do his work. My experience on the mat and as a teacher has always been a place full of devotion.

So what did this voice mean then? And why was I not feeling a deep sense of devotion and ease as did when I started, anymore?

I really didn't have the answers I desperately wanted, but I knew it was time to stop because I was feeling empty and resentful toward what I once loved the most.

I told my students that I was taking the summer off, knowing deep inside me that I had no intention to return. 

Some people made it very clear that they felt disappointed at my choices and felt that I was “wasting” my talent. Comments like that at the time made my stomach tighten, making me notice my own emotional attachment to the whole thing.

The fear of disappointing someone was for the longest time my achilles tendon. In the past I struggled with the sensations that I felt in my body when I knew I was going to say something that someone might not like. So many times I stayed silent to avoid the discomfort. You could say I had this thing called ‘people pleasing’. 

I understand why my students felt that way, because I know we all felt the love and devotion that was present in the classroom. Even when I was experiencing some of the most human moments of my life, I always made the commitment to show up in my most authentic self.

After a year and having the distance to look back and letting things unfold on their own timing I can tell you this; that inner voice was trying to have me pay attention to my calling for more, but not the kind of “more” that keeps you tired and busy 14 hours a day, but the kind of more that fulfilled your soul instead.

The journey that took me there, that took me into this place of deep listening was a strange one to me, as my whole life I've been a do-er. But Spirit kept giving opportunities to slow down and feel into the stillness which made me fearful and super uncomfortable,to be honest. 

The do-er in me kept trying to control things and I understand why, almost my whole life I had been working so hard to survive that my body and mind had no idea how to let go of the control.

All of my plans pretty much fell through and I began to realize that it was the universe showing again, that I had to completely shift into stillness and let go.

Let go even more ? Is this a bad joke ? I asked myself.

In January of this year I took a course that I felt deeply called to take. Seven weeks of peeling off layers of stories. Stories that I notice I kept allowing to rule my life. Stories of lack, unworthiness, and specially the one that I constantly heard in my head “if you want something, you have to work hard for it”

After a few weeks of taking the class and spending time doing the assignments I began to feel a shift in me. I began to feel ME again. I began to hear my own voice again and realized that for most of my life I had made choices based on an outer desire, on a goal, on a need, rather than listening to my soul and creating from that place authenticity. 

So how can I say that teaching yoga didnt come from a place of authenticity if it made my soul feel full of devotion then ?

Well, I had become comfortable with the routine as I said at the beginning of this blog. And what is wrong with being comfortable you may say? Nothing.

Nothing, as long as you don't have the feeling that you are betraying yourself by staying in your comfort zone. As long as you notice that you are not only giving through your service but that you are also receiving from that experience, and the only one that knows that will always be only you.

I had to trust that my calling to stop was right. I had to accept that I had no idea what came next. I had to be ok with the feeling of disappointing my students. I had to be willing to slow down and feel the fear of the uncertainty. I had to surrender and trust myself

Today is different. Today  I know that trust comes from KNOWING that I am the artist of my own life, and if I am creating my life from a place of radical honesty and loyalty to mySElf, I can trust that what is unfolding is what my life is meant to look and feel like. 

I still love teaching and I know I will continue to be on that path, but now from a very different place. From a place of loyalty to what my soul needs and I accept that It might change as many times as it needs to, because I am here to evolve all of the parts that make ME.